Ichiro Has 30-Homer Power?

That is the current headline photo/article on the Yahoo MLB page. Before we get into the laughable aspects of this topic let's go over why Les Carpenter from Yahoo! wrote this article. Wait a minute, his name is "Les"? Oh man, he's making it really hard for me to focus. Ichrio Suzuki was a .311 career hitter in his first 10 seasons in MLB. Ichiro then went into a ridiculous slump where his batting average from May 19-June 9 was .149. A lot of that is because his game was built on his speed and beating out infield hits and he's 37 now. Let's get back to the main point though - Les wrote this article because Ichiro can hit homers during batting practice and wants to know why he doesn't change his game to become a power hitter now that he has lost his speed. Enjoy.

Yahoo - Many are beginning to wonder if his speed is finally leaving him. And if it has, why doesn’t he use the one weapon he has consistently refused to employ? His power.

Anyone who arrives at the ballpark early is dazzled by the amazing sight of the tiny, slender Japanese left-handed hitter in the batting cage, swirling with that awkward but beautiful swing and smashing baseballs deep into the right-field bleachers. It’s a display as awesome as any of the great sluggers who made batting practice a show, like Mark McGwire, Darryl Strawberry and Albert Pujols(notes). But these are giants, men whose arms ripple with muscle. Their games were built around home runs.

As soon as batting practice is over, Ichiro returns to trying to outrace the throw from shortstop.

Ichiro’s power is not a secret. He hit more than 12 home runs in each of his seven full seasons in Japan before coming to the United States in 2001. Once he hit 25. And Japan’s seasons are some 30 games shorter than those here. Several times baseball people have pushed him to join the home run contest at the All-Star game, certain he would win. But he refuses. His great power remains a batting practice sensation.

I can barely finish this post because I'm laughing so hard but I'll do my best.

Stop the presses, Ichiro hit more than 12 homers in 7 straight seasons in Japan! Well that definitely translates to 30+ homers in MLB. You know what else happened in that Japanese league? Hideki Matsui hit 50 bombs there one season. When he came to the MLB he never hit more than 31. Kosuke Fukudome hit 34 dingers one season. In the MLB he has yet to surpass 13. Should we even talk about Dice-K?

Do we really need to discuss the issue of Les saying "why doesn’t he use the one weapon he has consistently refused to employ"? You're right Les, Ichiro knows he can hit 30 home runs every season. He probably sits down by himself in a dark corner of a room and has a heart to heart where he says, "You know what Ichiro, I think it'd be better for the team if you hit singles instead of homers".

That brings us to Ichiro's Ruthian display of power during batting practice. First of all, it's batting practice. Second of all, it's batting practice. Third of all, it's batting practice. Fourth of all, it's batting practice. Fifth of all, it's batting practice. Sixth of all, I don't think I'm using "of all" correctly anymore but I don't care. Seventh of all, it's fucking batting practice.

Finally, in 10.5 seasons in MLB Ichiro has 90 TOTAL home runs and has never hit more than 15 in a single season and has only hit double digit homers 3 times. But yes, Les, you're right, Ichiro can hit 30 homers every season but figuring out why he doesn't will be one of the great unsolved questions of the universe. Like "What happened to Tupac?". Or "Do black holes exist?". Or "What caused the great depression?". Or "Who hired Joe Buck to call World Series games?".

If it was so easy every asshole would be doing it.

U.S. Makes Bid for 2022 World Cup, Morgan Freeman Messes It Up

Yesterday, the U.S. made a presentation at the FIFA headquarters in a bid to host the 2022 World Cup. Bill Clinton is leading the charge and is the "honorary chairman of the bid committee". He certainly proved he loved America and soccer when he drank a Budweiser with Carlos Bocanegra after a World Cup game last summer. The U.S. knew they needed more star power so they had guest/video appearances from Landon Donovan, Barry Obama and a bunch of other random people. In between those performances the U.S. decided that having 73-year old Morgan Freeman give a speech about soccer and the United States was a great idea. Have they heard JoePa speak recently? The U.S. representatives thought that since Morgan Freeman was in a movie about soccer, Invictus, and that he was black, he would be able to sway the committee.

The decision to let Morgan Freeman speak backfired and he proved something that everyone knows - old people are senile. During his speech he said, "You would see that in a country that admires individual achievement, we truly cherish what can be done when we come together as a group. And there is no stronger, more resolute supporter..." He then paused and said, "I'm sorry, I missed a page." Perfect. If the U.S. doesn't get the 2022 World Cup we all know who to blame...the democrats! How the hell do you miss an entire page? Oh well, as long as we have "hope" we should get the 2022 World Cup. The video is below and will start right before that part. Feel free to watch the entire 40 minutes, it is more entertaining than watching an actual soccer game.

The U.S. is competing with 4 other countries for the 2022 World Cup: Australia, South Korea, Qatar and Japan. Australia used Hugh Jackman to try to sway the committee so at the very least we can take out of this that we are competing with 3 other countries.

Steve Jobs Stopped At Airport Over Ninja Stars

Yes, you most definitely did read that correctly. Apple CEO and founder Steve Jobs was stopped at Kansai International Airport, near Osaka, after officials spotted the weapons in his luggage. Jobs makes a good point when he says its makes no sense why somebody would hijack their own plane.


Personally, I think they should have let him keep them because ninja stars are fucking awesome. And so is Steve Jobs. So Steve Jobs throwing ninja stars can only result in one thing: a touch screen ninja star.

Unfortunately Apple is denying the story ever took place :(

Lady Gaga Is a Man

Now when you first read this headline I'm sure you thought, "Holy hell! Someone finally has photographic evidence of Lady Gaga having a fat, fat dick!", but you are wrong. This photo of Lady Gaga dressed up like a man is brought to you by Japan, a country that has also contributed this to society...



And incase you were wondering, this is Japan's version of a hipster (the blue and pink hair is sooooo ironic).

So either Lady Gaga is a genius at being crazy, or just another crazy genius. It's time America started to appreciate the craziness of Gaga. Sure she is crazy and dresses like a man sometimes, but Vincent van Gogh chopped of his own ear and gave it to his girlfriend just on a whim, and he is still a genius. That's right, I just put Lady Gaga and Vincent van Gogh on the same level....no regrets. At least Gaga hasn't gone van Gogh on our asses and wanted to chop off one of her body parts...wait never mind she wants to amputate one of her legs for the sake of art.

"Thank god the Subways in NYC Aren't Like This"

We came across this little gem of a video thanks to our good friend Jesse. This gives the term "packed like sardines" whole new meaning. I am still wondering how they managed to fit them all in there (that's what she said). Also, why the hell were the people working there promoting this behavior? Were ALL of them in such a hurry that they had to get on this train? Was this the only train for a while? Was there a Hello Kitty convention they all had to get to? Who knows, but the video is hilarious nonetheless. Enjoy.