Alex Morgan Has a Boyfriend

[Insert dirty joke about that picture here]. The United States Women's Soccer team lost a heartbreaker in the World Cup Final to Japan in a penalty shoot-out but it wasn't as big as the heartbreak I felt after learning that Alex Morgan has a boyfriend. Yes, that Alex Morgan. The one who scored in the 69th minute (classic!) to put the United States up 1-0. Alex is dating Seattle Sounders FC forward Servando Carrasco, who she met in college where they both played soccer at University of California, Berkeley, alma mater of Sanford and Kirsten Cohen.

Worst.News.Ever. But before we get into the specifics of that relationship here's the awesome goal that she scored that I thought would win it until the USA choked harder than Terry Schiavo on a piece of steak.

Yes, that goal was awesome but we're missing the point. Alex Morgan is dating some doucher.

Sounders - Servando Carrasco's girlfriend Alex Morgan is playing in the World Cup in Germany, but her story is not much different than the rookie Sounders FC midfielder.

They are separated by thousands of miles on the map, but often it’s like Sounders FC midfielder Servando Carrasco and Western New York Flash forward Alex Morgan are living the same life.

They both have similar schedules as professional soccer players - Carrasco in Major League Soccer and Morgan in Women’s Professional Soccer. They both learn from players on a daily basis who have plenty to teach about their respective positions - Osvaldo Alonso for Carrasco while Morgan learns from Marta with her club and Abby Wambach with her country.

The college sweethearts from Cal have used their similar experiences to strengthen their relationship, even when they are the full width of the country apart.

“We spent almost four years in college together and we knew this was coming. We were prepared for it,” said Morgan. “We are both trying to live our dreams as professional athletes. We know each other’s schedules and we respect that.”

Carrasco added, “I think that’s one of the reasons why our transition from college to pro soccer has been easy for our relationship. We’re in the same lifestyle and we’re able to talk every now and then, so it’s good.”

The similarities don’t end there though.

Both are very outgoing and driven. Most of all they are both highly competitive.

“We can’t play Monopoly or any other board games because she hates to lose,” he said with a smile. “We stay away from things like that. It’s better for our relationship and for our future.”

There is no way this relationship is going to last. First, they are living thousands of miles apart. Second, two extremely competitive athletes dating never works out. Third, he plays in the MLS and she's on the verge of becoming a superstar. That's like if Leonardo DiCaprio dated a homeless person while filming Titanic. With that expert analysis out of the way, I think this sums it up for the rest of us:

This Is SportsCenter: Abby Wambach Soccer Commercial

ESPN just released another "This Is SportsCenter" commercial starring US Women's soccer star Abby Wambach. Abby might have just scored the tying goal in the 122nd minute against Brazil on Sunday to send the game into PKs but this might be her best work yet.

I could watch all of the "This Is SportsCenter" commercials over and over again but this one quickly became my favorite. Everyone knows soccer is full of vaginas who flop around like Lebron James in the finals so taking a strategy that sympathizes with the masses is genius. Pure genius.

U.S. Makes Bid for 2022 World Cup, Morgan Freeman Messes It Up

Yesterday, the U.S. made a presentation at the FIFA headquarters in a bid to host the 2022 World Cup. Bill Clinton is leading the charge and is the "honorary chairman of the bid committee". He certainly proved he loved America and soccer when he drank a Budweiser with Carlos Bocanegra after a World Cup game last summer. The U.S. knew they needed more star power so they had guest/video appearances from Landon Donovan, Barry Obama and a bunch of other random people. In between those performances the U.S. decided that having 73-year old Morgan Freeman give a speech about soccer and the United States was a great idea. Have they heard JoePa speak recently? The U.S. representatives thought that since Morgan Freeman was in a movie about soccer, Invictus, and that he was black, he would be able to sway the committee.

The decision to let Morgan Freeman speak backfired and he proved something that everyone knows - old people are senile. During his speech he said, "You would see that in a country that admires individual achievement, we truly cherish what can be done when we come together as a group. And there is no stronger, more resolute supporter..." He then paused and said, "I'm sorry, I missed a page." Perfect. If the U.S. doesn't get the 2022 World Cup we all know who to blame...the democrats! How the hell do you miss an entire page? Oh well, as long as we have "hope" we should get the 2022 World Cup. The video is below and will start right before that part. Feel free to watch the entire 40 minutes, it is more entertaining than watching an actual soccer game.

The U.S. is competing with 4 other countries for the 2022 World Cup: Australia, South Korea, Qatar and Japan. Australia used Hugh Jackman to try to sway the committee so at the very least we can take out of this that we are competing with 3 other countries.

German Sportscaster Gets Nailed by Soccer Ball

Yes, yes and more yes. This video is hilarious and further proves that women should not be sports commentators. If that were a man he would have been able to use his sixth sense and get out of the way. This might just be a case of the soccer ball telling women they shouldn't talk about sports seeing as there was a man standing right next to her and the ball didn't hit him. This happened last weekend at some German soccer game but I'm not sure which one since everything is in German. Enjoy.

Best Soccer Celebration Video

If you haven't seen this video by now we need to create a "Hot Videos" section on the side of the blog for you because everybody is talking about this one. It has 1.3 million views in 2 days! I have to admit this celebration is pretty awesome - from the casting to the reeling in a fish to the dead fish picture - it was a celebration unlike any other I have seen before. This gives Ochocinco and T.O. something to aspire towards this season. If only soccer games were full of celebrations like these and not the actual game-play maybe Americans would pay attention.

Which Ref?

Since the World Cup has ended I have gone into soccer withdrawal. It's similar to cocaine withdrawal but with out the cocaine. So all I have left is to reminisce about US soccer, specifically that bastard of a ref from Mali. I pose the question of who is the worst ref in the world, to the two options are...


or...


Make your voice heard and leave a comment picking your ref.

Spanish Reign

Spain beat the Netherlands 1-0 today to clinch their first World Cup title. During the game I started to watch my hair grow and it was more interesting than that entire game. It was dirty (12 yellow cards, 1 red card), lacked chances (each team had 4 shots on goal) and neither connected more than a few passes in a row. However somebody had to win and in the 116th minute, Cesc Fabregas played Andres Iniesta through and he scored the winner.


Overall it was a great World Cup and a lovely atmosphere for Africa's first World Cup. I think we can all agree that Landon Donovan's winner against Algeria will be remembered forever. And now? Now we wait till 2014 in Brazil, come on US!!

How Do You Spell Choke?

G-H-A-N-A. Or M-E-L-O for that matter. There were two very good world cup games on Friday and it was a good day to be an underdog. In the first game of the day Brazil was heavily favored against Netherlands and took a 1-0 lead into halftime. In the 52nd minute Wesley Sneijder of the Netherlands fired a deep shot that hit off the head of Brazil's Felipe Melo and went into the net. The Brazilian goalie would have likely punched the ball away but instead the game was tied 1-1.

15 minutes later Sneijder tipped a corner kick into the top left corner to give Netherlands the lead 2-1. They will play Uruguay in the semifinals.

In the second game of the day Uruguay took on Ghana in a game that went into extra time. In the final seconds, and I mean final seconds, of extra time Ghana had a few very close chances that nearly ended the game. One of the shots was going in until Luis Suarez (a forward) of Uruguay used his hand to stop it. Although a hand ball in the box is an immediate red card and a penalty kick it was a very smart decision because he saved a definite world cup ending goal for his team. Asamoah Gyan took the PK for Ghana and choked harder than the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS. All he needed to do was make it and Ghana would have advanced to the semifinals but he put if off the crossbar and the game went into PKs.

Uruguay won in PKs and Asamoah Gyan immediately went on suicide watch. Uruguay will be without Suarez for the semifinals because of the red card and that could be a huge blow as he is one of their best goal scorers.

I tweeted earlier about how Uruguay forward Diego Forlan probably slays South American sillies and I was right. He is currently in a "partnership" (whatever the hell that means) with Argentinian fashion model/actress Zaira Nara.

Jim Rome is a Prick

On a day where everyone should be celebrating a dramatic USA soccer victory Jim Rome is up to his usual asshole ways. Rome dissed soccer today on his radio show by saying that he would rather watch "timbersports" than soccer. Yeah that's right, "timbersports", and if you don't even know what timbersports are welcome to the club. A quick google search resulted in this picture.


"The anticipation builds as Ricky Bodean saws through a fucking piece of wood."

So let me get this straight Romie...you would rather watch steroid inflated hillbillies cut wood than soccer? I knew you were an idiot, but this has taken you to a whole new level. I just wish somebody would lay the smackdown on his ass again like Jim Everett did back in the day

Yanks Go Marching On!

WHAT A FUCKING GAME!
Our loyal followers, please tell us you watched that game. Or lie. Because if you didn't you're a terrorist loving fuckface. In case you missed, the States dominated the game but just couldn't score. Until Donovan. Until the 91st minute. Until the stars aligned and we fucking scored. A brilliant distribution from Howard, brilliant pass from Jozy, (Fuck you Dempsey for missing it), and a brilliant finish by Donovan. We play the runner up of group D (Either Germany, Serbia, Ghana, or Australia. My moneys on Serbia) on Saturday at 2:30 pm. Don't miss it guys.


Here is the goal that sent us to the round of 16!

Oh yeah, here's the blown call that rivals the one from the Slovenia game.

Vuvuzelas: They Ruin Everything

First, let me start by saying that I am a huge soccer fan. I have watched most of the World Cup games thus far, and it has given me great joy, but something about the modern World Cup blow South African donkey balls. I'm talking about those obnoxious dick trumpets they call "vuvuzelas"

I'll lead off by saying FIFA made a (in the words of Charles "Cheeseburger" Barkley) turrable call by not banning these assholes from the beginning. The only thing pisses me off more than the vuvuzela are goats that sound like this.

Wait, I take that back, I'd rather have a stadium full of these goats than listen to this assclown blow his state of the art multi-vuvuzela cap. Probably had to sell 5 pounds of mangoes to build this thing.

The thing that is great about soccer is the tradition. I'm talking song and dance, watching the Irish get wasted, and of course the people of Ivory Coast causing riots and trampling people. The vuvuzelas take all that away and replace it with the a sound that makes even the sturdiest of butt holes quiver. FIFA I beg of you to strip search everyone who enters a stadium for vuvuzelas, and if caught, be forced to live in Mali, Africa for the rest of their lives.

World Cup Fever!

As everyone knows, the greatest thing in the world is this summer and we have taken our first big step towards it today. The USA announced a 30 man preliminary roster for the upcoming World Cup. The roster will be cut down to 23 by June 1. Just because a player didn't make the preliminary roster doesn't mean he can't make the final, but it is very unlikely (keep your fingers crossed for Charlie Davies). Here's the roster:

Goalkeepers:
Tim Howard, Brad Guzan, Marcus Hahnemann

Defenders: Carlos Bocanegra, Jonathon Bornstein, Steve Cherundolo, Jay DeMerit, Clarence Goodson, Chad Marshall, Oguchi Onyewu, Heath Pearce, Jonathan Spector

Midfield: DaMarcus Beasley, Alejandro Bedoya, Michael Bradley, Ricardo Clark, Clint Dempsey, Landon Donovan, Maurice Edu, Benny Feilhaber, Stuart Holden, Sasha Kljestan, Robbie Rogers, Jose Francisco Torres

Forward: Jozy Altidore, Edson Buddle, Brian Ching, Robbie Findlay, Herzulez Gomez, Eddie Johnson

No big surprises with the picks here, other than seeing a Johnson or Findlay over Connor Casey. I've never been a big Casey fan anyway so I'm ok with seeing him miss out. Dempsey will most likely be played as a forward (along with Jozy <3). I'm expecting a good performance from the US this summer and I really can't wait. Come on US!