Alex Morgan Has a Boyfriend

[Insert dirty joke about that picture here]. The United States Women's Soccer team lost a heartbreaker in the World Cup Final to Japan in a penalty shoot-out but it wasn't as big as the heartbreak I felt after learning that Alex Morgan has a boyfriend. Yes, that Alex Morgan. The one who scored in the 69th minute (classic!) to put the United States up 1-0. Alex is dating Seattle Sounders FC forward Servando Carrasco, who she met in college where they both played soccer at University of California, Berkeley, alma mater of Sanford and Kirsten Cohen.

Worst.News.Ever. But before we get into the specifics of that relationship here's the awesome goal that she scored that I thought would win it until the USA choked harder than Terry Schiavo on a piece of steak.

Yes, that goal was awesome but we're missing the point. Alex Morgan is dating some doucher.

Sounders - Servando Carrasco's girlfriend Alex Morgan is playing in the World Cup in Germany, but her story is not much different than the rookie Sounders FC midfielder.

They are separated by thousands of miles on the map, but often it’s like Sounders FC midfielder Servando Carrasco and Western New York Flash forward Alex Morgan are living the same life.

They both have similar schedules as professional soccer players - Carrasco in Major League Soccer and Morgan in Women’s Professional Soccer. They both learn from players on a daily basis who have plenty to teach about their respective positions - Osvaldo Alonso for Carrasco while Morgan learns from Marta with her club and Abby Wambach with her country.

The college sweethearts from Cal have used their similar experiences to strengthen their relationship, even when they are the full width of the country apart.

“We spent almost four years in college together and we knew this was coming. We were prepared for it,” said Morgan. “We are both trying to live our dreams as professional athletes. We know each other’s schedules and we respect that.”

Carrasco added, “I think that’s one of the reasons why our transition from college to pro soccer has been easy for our relationship. We’re in the same lifestyle and we’re able to talk every now and then, so it’s good.”

The similarities don’t end there though.

Both are very outgoing and driven. Most of all they are both highly competitive.

“We can’t play Monopoly or any other board games because she hates to lose,” he said with a smile. “We stay away from things like that. It’s better for our relationship and for our future.”

There is no way this relationship is going to last. First, they are living thousands of miles apart. Second, two extremely competitive athletes dating never works out. Third, he plays in the MLS and she's on the verge of becoming a superstar. That's like if Leonardo DiCaprio dated a homeless person while filming Titanic. With that expert analysis out of the way, I think this sums it up for the rest of us:

Lauren Cheney, Alex Morgan, Wambach score for US at World Cup against France

Former UCLA Bruin Lauren Cheney netted a big goal for the U.S. women's soccer team in its semifinal matchup against France and soccer hottie Gaetane Thiney at the FIFA Women's World Cup in Germany.
Cheney (above in a Frank Ockenfels 3 photo) was born with a congenital heart defect and had open heart surgery before she was three. Her heart is just fine right now and the rest of her is not bad either.
Cutie Heather O'Reilly (left) assisted on the play.
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It is now 1-1. Sonia Bompastor scored for France. The French women have really been keeping hottie keeper Hope Solo busy.
Just a question: Do you think the French nationals are wearing French cut panties under their uniforms?
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U.S. has taken the lead thanks to a goal by Abby Wambach. The veteran headed it in.
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Up and coming hottie Alex Morgan chipped on in to make it 3-1 for the U.S. This former Cal star definitely needs some more screen time!
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The U.S. wins!!! They advance to Sunday's final. They will play either Japan or Sweden. I'm hoping for Sweden as that means more quality time with blonde bombshell Josefine Oqvist. Earlier in the tournament she created quite a stir among male watchers by trading her jersey with a lucky fan.

Beauty Hope Solo Makes Big Save in Shootout Win Over Brazil

U.S. soccer goalkeeper Hope Solo landed on the international stage when she protested being benched for the semi-finals of the 2007 FIFA Women's World Cup. After Solo's performance yesterday at the 2011 FIFA Women's World Cup in Germany, is there any doubt that she was right in saying that she should have played?

Solo saved a penalty kick that helped propel the U.S. to victory in Sunday's quarter-finals over Brazil and the world's best player, Marta. Ali Krieger had the winning penalty kick for the United States. Solo was named the player of the match.

So, there is no debate who should be in goal for the U.S. in the World Cup semi-finals this time around! What there is to debate, is:

Does Hope Solo look sexier as a blonde or as a brunette?

Let us know below.

Gaetane Thiney is France's sexiest Women's World Cup footballer

With two goals against Canada at the FIFA Women's World Cup Germany 2011, Gaetane Thiney certainly knows how to play soccer or football (as the rest of the world calls it). The French footballer also looks pretty hot off the soccer pitch - and people are noticing.

A survey of 1,100 French men at FirstAffair.fr, picked Gaetane Thiney as the sexiest French Women's World Cup player. She earned 28 per cent of the vote. Also in the top five were Corine Franco (14%), Boulleau Laure (13%), Elodie Thomis (10%) and Camille Alily (8%).

U.S. Makes Bid for 2022 World Cup, Morgan Freeman Messes It Up

Yesterday, the U.S. made a presentation at the FIFA headquarters in a bid to host the 2022 World Cup. Bill Clinton is leading the charge and is the "honorary chairman of the bid committee". He certainly proved he loved America and soccer when he drank a Budweiser with Carlos Bocanegra after a World Cup game last summer. The U.S. knew they needed more star power so they had guest/video appearances from Landon Donovan, Barry Obama and a bunch of other random people. In between those performances the U.S. decided that having 73-year old Morgan Freeman give a speech about soccer and the United States was a great idea. Have they heard JoePa speak recently? The U.S. representatives thought that since Morgan Freeman was in a movie about soccer, Invictus, and that he was black, he would be able to sway the committee.

The decision to let Morgan Freeman speak backfired and he proved something that everyone knows - old people are senile. During his speech he said, "You would see that in a country that admires individual achievement, we truly cherish what can be done when we come together as a group. And there is no stronger, more resolute supporter..." He then paused and said, "I'm sorry, I missed a page." Perfect. If the U.S. doesn't get the 2022 World Cup we all know who to blame...the democrats! How the hell do you miss an entire page? Oh well, as long as we have "hope" we should get the 2022 World Cup. The video is below and will start right before that part. Feel free to watch the entire 40 minutes, it is more entertaining than watching an actual soccer game.

The U.S. is competing with 4 other countries for the 2022 World Cup: Australia, South Korea, Qatar and Japan. Australia used Hugh Jackman to try to sway the committee so at the very least we can take out of this that we are competing with 3 other countries.

ENTIRE French World Cup Team Suspended

Everyone knows the French World Cup team was filled with a bunch of arrogant babies and when they went on strike before their final group stage game against South Africa it just confirmed it. It all started when the coach, Raymond Domenech, and striker Nicolas Anelka got into a huge argument after one of the first few games. France's soccer federation then suspended Anelka for the rest of the tournament and the players started throwing shit-fits because of it. They refused to train and there were multiple arguments between players and staff caught on tape.


France then fired Raymond Domenech and replaced him with Laurent Blanc. Today, Blanc decided to suspend the ENTIRE French World Cup team (all 23 members) for their next game which is against Norway next month. I am in complete favor of this move as it is the first step in trying to put the French jackasses in their place. This incident at the 2006 World Cup Final was just the start of their problems...

Source

Larissa Riquelme Gets Naked

Remember the Paraguayan model who promised to run naked through the streets if Paraguay won the World Cup? Well they didn't win but she still promised to get naked and she has followed through on that promise. As you can see, the 2 pictures from the photo shoot do not show any of the goods (which is a crime against this girl's perfect body) but they are still pretty awesome. The website watermarked the pictures, those bastards, but I will update the post if I come across some that aren't watermarked. Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bulls-eye. She is now partying in Brazil and I have included some other pictures because who can get enough of this chick...

*Click the pics to enlarge them*

If these pics aren't enough and you want some that are really NSFW click here and here.

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Octopus Predicts World Cup Matches

I can't believe I just typed that post title. What is the world coming to? I realize the World Cup is over but I had to share one last story with everyone. This one shows just how retarded some people are and why we shouldn't let nuts talk about sports. Paul the Octopus was used by a bunch of weirdos to predict World Cup games and amazingly he went 8-8. I want to be crystal clear in the fact that I am in no way supporting this practice because it is just plain stupid.

Basically, Paul was put in a tank with 2 glass containers. Each container had an oyster inside and represented a different team playing. Whichever container Paul took the oyster from was supposed to be his "pick" for who would win the game. Do I really need to point out the obvious stupidity behind this practice? I think I might considering Paul has gained worldwide fame and the videos of him "picking" the winners are all over Youtube. Paul correctly picked Spain and Uruguay to win the last 2 World Cup games and the video of him is below if you want a good laugh. I'm going to come out and say this further proves that all of the games were rigged. FIFA probably saw his predictions and made sure that team won so it would create another side-show to keep the fans interested.

Who names an octopus? Who names an octopus Paul? Over/Under on length of time before someone takes Paul to Vegas? Did I really just spend an entire post talking about an octopus named Paul?

Which Ref?

Since the World Cup has ended I have gone into soccer withdrawal. It's similar to cocaine withdrawal but with out the cocaine. So all I have left is to reminisce about US soccer, specifically that bastard of a ref from Mali. I pose the question of who is the worst ref in the world, to the two options are...


or...


Make your voice heard and leave a comment picking your ref.

Spanish Reign

Spain beat the Netherlands 1-0 today to clinch their first World Cup title. During the game I started to watch my hair grow and it was more interesting than that entire game. It was dirty (12 yellow cards, 1 red card), lacked chances (each team had 4 shots on goal) and neither connected more than a few passes in a row. However somebody had to win and in the 116th minute, Cesc Fabregas played Andres Iniesta through and he scored the winner.


Overall it was a great World Cup and a lovely atmosphere for Africa's first World Cup. I think we can all agree that Landon Donovan's winner against Algeria will be remembered forever. And now? Now we wait till 2014 in Brazil, come on US!!

How Do You Spell Choke?

G-H-A-N-A. Or M-E-L-O for that matter. There were two very good world cup games on Friday and it was a good day to be an underdog. In the first game of the day Brazil was heavily favored against Netherlands and took a 1-0 lead into halftime. In the 52nd minute Wesley Sneijder of the Netherlands fired a deep shot that hit off the head of Brazil's Felipe Melo and went into the net. The Brazilian goalie would have likely punched the ball away but instead the game was tied 1-1.

15 minutes later Sneijder tipped a corner kick into the top left corner to give Netherlands the lead 2-1. They will play Uruguay in the semifinals.

In the second game of the day Uruguay took on Ghana in a game that went into extra time. In the final seconds, and I mean final seconds, of extra time Ghana had a few very close chances that nearly ended the game. One of the shots was going in until Luis Suarez (a forward) of Uruguay used his hand to stop it. Although a hand ball in the box is an immediate red card and a penalty kick it was a very smart decision because he saved a definite world cup ending goal for his team. Asamoah Gyan took the PK for Ghana and choked harder than the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS. All he needed to do was make it and Ghana would have advanced to the semifinals but he put if off the crossbar and the game went into PKs.

Uruguay won in PKs and Asamoah Gyan immediately went on suicide watch. Uruguay will be without Suarez for the semifinals because of the red card and that could be a huge blow as he is one of their best goal scorers.

I tweeted earlier about how Uruguay forward Diego Forlan probably slays South American sillies and I was right. He is currently in a "partnership" (whatever the hell that means) with Argentinian fashion model/actress Zaira Nara.

World Cup Coaches More Entertaining Than Actual Play

Since the U.S. has been eliminated from the World Cup I pretty much lost all interest. This video helps confirm the fact that the happenings around the game are more entertaining than the games themselves. The announcers sound like they have peanut butter on the roof of their mouths but I'm pretty sure they were giving a play-by-play of the booger eating ordeal because they got bored of the game. Anywhooo this is just plain gross...but enjoy!

Fun While It Lasted

The US bowed out of the World Cup today with a 2-1 loss to Ghana. After giving up ANOTHER early goal, the US equalized with a Landon Donovan penalty kick. Unfortunately, an early goal by Asamoah Gyan in the first half of extra time gave Ghana the lead. A couple half chances for the US were squandered and unfortunately for the States, the dream ended.



It's a great run by the States and they should certainly be walking away with their heads held high. I certainly hope this love for soccer continues after the World Cup and we can look forward to 2014.

Bill and Boca

Carlos Bocanegra. Bill Clinton. Budweiser. This picture screams America and that is awesome. It requires no big post, just awesomeness of the picture.

Lion Burger? Sign Me Up!

Yes, that is not a typo, a restaurant outside of Phoenix, Arizona is serving up Lion Burgers in the spirit of the World Cup. A whole lot of people are bitching and moaning about this move, but seriously, who wouldn't want to eat one of these majestic beasts?


"Someone please eat me! I'm tired of being so awesome all the time."

Here's the catch, they are only serving 20 burgers a night. That means you need to make a reservation IMMEDIATELY, that is if you can even get one. A whole bunch of animal rights activists (a.s.s.h.o.l.e.s for short) have been making reservations just so other people can't spend their hard earned money on some tasty Mufasa.


Being eaten by humans is a much better fate than being trampled by a stampede of wildebeests (SPOILER ALERT!!!)

I mean seriously come on P.E.T.A. First you want people to start calling fish "sea kittens" (seriously...they really call fish that), and now you want me not to eat lions? This has gone to far. I just wish there was a People for the Okay Treatment of Animals, or P.O.T.A for short. Being cool to cats and dogs is a great idea, but telling me I can't fish because fish have emotions is bullshit. I would be the first to enlist in P.O.T.A. I just want to have my lion and eat it too I guess.

Jim Rome is a Prick

On a day where everyone should be celebrating a dramatic USA soccer victory Jim Rome is up to his usual asshole ways. Rome dissed soccer today on his radio show by saying that he would rather watch "timbersports" than soccer. Yeah that's right, "timbersports", and if you don't even know what timbersports are welcome to the club. A quick google search resulted in this picture.


"The anticipation builds as Ricky Bodean saws through a fucking piece of wood."

So let me get this straight Romie...you would rather watch steroid inflated hillbillies cut wood than soccer? I knew you were an idiot, but this has taken you to a whole new level. I just wish somebody would lay the smackdown on his ass again like Jim Everett did back in the day

Yanks Go Marching On!

WHAT A FUCKING GAME!
Our loyal followers, please tell us you watched that game. Or lie. Because if you didn't you're a terrorist loving fuckface. In case you missed, the States dominated the game but just couldn't score. Until Donovan. Until the 91st minute. Until the stars aligned and we fucking scored. A brilliant distribution from Howard, brilliant pass from Jozy, (Fuck you Dempsey for missing it), and a brilliant finish by Donovan. We play the runner up of group D (Either Germany, Serbia, Ghana, or Australia. My moneys on Serbia) on Saturday at 2:30 pm. Don't miss it guys.


Here is the goal that sent us to the round of 16!

Oh yeah, here's the blown call that rivals the one from the Slovenia game.

Best of - The World Cup

With the World Cup nearing the round of 16 I thought I would share some of the more talked about/entertaining videos so far in case you haven't been watching. I don't want to flood the main page with a butt ton of videos so check them all out after the jump (hint - if you don't know what that means hit the "Read more" button below).


I'm not sure what's up with the "Hey There Delilah" background music but punching people is pretty entertaining.

Flying elbows are pretty cool too - especially when they are by France so we can make fun of them for being cheap bastards.

As if we needed more ammo to make fun of the French, their coach refused to shake the South Africa coaches hand after he lost. He went on for over 30 seconds refusing to do it. Very classy France. I'm going to go get some Freedom Fries.

I could have scored this one. If Nigeria had made it they probably would be moving on to the Sweet 16. Oops.

This is one reason I don't watch much soccer - too much flopping and diving.

A hip-check to make any NHL player proud. Now if only there was more of this and less 0-0 matches I might pay more attention.

>

British people get wayyyyyy too into soccer - err, football.

Wrong place. Wrong time.

Annnddd finally the worst call of the World Cup...so far. Which call was worse - this one or the Jim Joyce blown perfect game?

Bye Bye Bafana Bafana

South Africa made a run of it, but came up short of qualifying from the group stage to the knock out stage. Earlier today they won 2-1 over France (haha France you suck) and came up short on goal differential to Mexico. This means South Africa will be the first host nation in the history of the World Cup to not qualify from the group stage.


In more important news, the US plays tomorrow morning at 10 ET against Algeria. The scenarios of how we advance are as follows:
(A) Win versus Algeria on Wednesday.
(B) Tie and Slovenia-England tie IF England does not outscore USA by 2-plus goals.
(C) Tie and England loss.


So fucking come on Yanks and let's go through! Don't miss it.

Vuvuzelas: They Ruin Everything

First, let me start by saying that I am a huge soccer fan. I have watched most of the World Cup games thus far, and it has given me great joy, but something about the modern World Cup blow South African donkey balls. I'm talking about those obnoxious dick trumpets they call "vuvuzelas"

I'll lead off by saying FIFA made a (in the words of Charles "Cheeseburger" Barkley) turrable call by not banning these assholes from the beginning. The only thing pisses me off more than the vuvuzela are goats that sound like this.

Wait, I take that back, I'd rather have a stadium full of these goats than listen to this assclown blow his state of the art multi-vuvuzela cap. Probably had to sell 5 pounds of mangoes to build this thing.

The thing that is great about soccer is the tradition. I'm talking song and dance, watching the Irish get wasted, and of course the people of Ivory Coast causing riots and trampling people. The vuvuzelas take all that away and replace it with the a sound that makes even the sturdiest of butt holes quiver. FIFA I beg of you to strip search everyone who enters a stadium for vuvuzelas, and if caught, be forced to live in Mali, Africa for the rest of their lives.